Free paperweight

Want a free paperweight? Here’s how I got mine.

Back in 03, when I was still a teenager, I had a girlfriend. Sadly, sex education wasn’t all the rage back in the day, and I knew nuts about condoms. I didn’t know such things existed. My friends told me to use tiny plastic bags, but they hurt and always tore, pathetic.

After a few weeks of raging passion, we got caught in the act by the girl’s mother. Needless to say, there was a big brouhaha (yes this is a word) and everyone was wondering how the hell can such 2 innocent little kids be even getting it on. Her brother got so pissed off, he told me he wished I was 30 years older. That way, I would be sent to jail.

My girl-pal-sex-friend person took a pregnancy test (administered by her mother) and found out that she was positive. At night, my girlfriend came to me crying about the abortion she had to go through the next day, so I told her to close her eyes. With unmatched dexterity I shoved my hands into her neither regions, past her panties, and deep into the abyss. When I was done, she didn’t need to go for an abortion anymore.

I didn’t dump the fetus like any other heartless jerk, but instead I put him in a glass jar filled with sugar-water, and hid it in a safe place. A few days ago though (I’m 32 now) I needed a paperweight. I decided to stop hiding Junior and brought him to work. Whenever my teenage clients (I’m a secondary school counselor) talk to me about pre-marital sex, I introduce them to my ‘dead fetus paperweight’.

My precious son.

(Note: Whatever Singaporean sex education organization should print fliers with this story and give them away with “dead fetus in a jar” keychain. Much better than trying too hard to be lewd and cool.)